The Extra Parent

Your ex has found the partner of their dreams and they are so happy. Of course he or she wants to include the kids and so they do what they believe is the right thing - they start saying this is my son/daughter and they are the Dad or Mom. Now the kids don’t feel left out and everything is great in family land - right? Wrong!!

Now you start getting angry because you are their Mom/Dad and no one else should be called that. So you do what any rationale parent does - you call your ex and unload all that frustration or anger upon them which of course allows open conversation to flow (sarcasm here).

Now, while the parents are arguing who is left off in the lurch (I still don’t know where this saying comes from)? Who gets forgotten a lot of the time - the kids! How are they feeling about this? What do they want to be called and not called? What do they feel comfortable calling the new person in their lives?

Now we have the questions so how do we find the solutions? We ask … the kids. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Well it is, as long as you take the right approach and are open. How would it be if you took the kids a side and asked how they feel when they are called “my son” or “my daughter”. Ask them how they feel when the new person in their lives calls himself/herself “their Dad” or “their Mom”? Often you will find that the kids feel that their parent is trying to be replaced by the new person rather then this person being a compliment to their family.

Now, here comes the hard part - ask the kids for possible solutions that they would feel comfortable with. Hear the kids out and have an open conversation with them. They will feel good that they are being heard and have input into the end result. If possible, it would be great to have both parents in the room (Caution: If one parent is pressuring the kids to accept this person calling them son or daughter then the kids may not feel free to speak up. They probably will not want to alienate one of their parents. In this case speak with them alone and then discuss with your ex the conversation you had with the kids ).

I have a friend who I coached through this methodology and it worked out amazingly well. He took each of his kids a side individually and discussed this situation with them. They each said how uncomfortable they where with how they where being addressed and referred to and they came up with the solution of “My Mom’s Fiance and my Fiance’s son and daughter. My friend called his ex and discussed what had just happened and they agreed that this is the way they would have this new person address the kids. No arguing, no screaming just results that allowed everyone to be heard and a result that allowed everyone to walk away happy!

It is not always easy as a parent when something is going on to step back and allow yourself to breath and work with the other people involved in a civil way and additionally allow everyone to be heard but it does work and you do get some pretty great results!

Until next time - congratulations on being the best parent you can in this moment. Please place your comments below and I look forward to hearing from you.

With Love, Peace and Power,

Ron Dilbert
Single Parent Power, Inc. - “Helping Families Grow”
www.SingleParentPower.com
rdilbert@SingleParentPower.com
516-355-1552

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” - Albert Einstein